Wish it So

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Children have so much compassion

Carrigan:  Mommy, I gonna bring you a purprise (surprise)

Me:  Okay!

Carrigan:  You exciting?

Me:  Yes, I’m excited!

(Brings me a photo that was taken at my wedding with my mom, step-dad and sisters)

Carrigan:  Look it you brothers

Me:  Those are my sisters (She’s still figuring that he/she her/him sister/brother thing out) and my step-dad and my mommy.

(I tear up a little)

Carrigan:  You cryin because you miss your daddy?

Me:  I miss my daddy and my mommy

Carrigan:  Is okay, you daddy be back soon.

Me:  (I hug her) You are right, I will see them again.

Carrigan:  You wan a toy to make you feel better?

Me:  No, you and your sister have already made me feel better.


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Mostly content

I realize that quite a bit of my posts are depressing.  Not everyone wants to talk through their grieving process and I get that, I really do.  However, this is and has always been a place where I can just let my feelings flow.  I’m not great at talking about them out loud and frankly, I’m not sure that I could talk through some of the emotions.  

I hope I can throw in a little bit of variation once in a while.  I don’t think it should be too hard.  I mean, this blog originally had a lot of home “stuff” thrown in.  It just didn’t feel like a one-hundred percent fit to me.

Aside from my explanation on blog content.. I’d like to take a moment and say, “I love my sisters!”  As the anniversaries draw closer, I know that they are struggling too.  In their own unique ways they are working out what that means to them and how it continues to shape them.  We’ve always handled our grief differently but we’ve always been there for each other.  This year will be no different.

I love you ladies.  Remember that you are strong, you are loved and you are never alone.  No matter how lonely it can feel.

This isn’t much of a post and it feels kind of like a cop-out to what should be an amazing NaBloPoMo post but it’s late and I can barely keep my eyes open!  I’ll try harder ————————————– no promises!

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Forward reminiscing

My mother-in-law forwarded me an email that I had sent in 2010.  Approximately one hour into my birthday.

Sent: Tuesday, December 21, 2010 1:32 AM
Subject: Happy Birthday to ME (I swear it’s not a conceited email even though the title is..)

So, at midnight which marks the beginning of my 26th year I was feeding my child and it made me think that I have a lot to be thankful for.  So here I go…

I’m thankful for my parents.  Although they are not here with me physically, they are the guiding light to many of the decisions I make and an inspiration on the kind of person I want to be.  
I’m thankful for the two sisters they brought into this earth.  They are smart, beautiful, funny and loving.  They are a wonderful support system and we’re closer than ever.  I’m amazed by them both everyday and how much they keep growing up into these wonderful human beings and I am so jealous of them in one way or another.  
I’m thankful for my husband who is also wonderful, smart (ass), funny and loving.  He’s being a wonderful support to me and has handled all the obstacles life has thrown at us remarkably well.  A great father and a great friend.. I’m a lucky girl (even when I’m telling him I’m not).  
I’m thankful to the family I gained through marrying Adam.  They’ve taken me in as if I were really their own family.  We’ve laughed, we’ve cried and I’ve certainly pissed them all off at one point or another (multiple times for some) but they go on loving and treating me like their own.  They’ve supported me and my wonderful two sisters through some tough times and I hope they never need to do so again but am grateful I had them for those times.  
Lastly, I’m thankful for my beautiful little Carrigan.  At the very early stage of my 25th year I was a nervous wreck about her arrival.. who would let me be a mom?!  CRAZY.  But now that she is here.. I can’t imagine my life without her.  She is wonderful, SMART and FUNNY in her own baby ways.  She tugs at my heartstrings everyday and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I always thought my 25th year would be a good one and I was right.  It started off “not so good” but it has ended up being one of the best years of my life .. next to me being 14.  For this, I have all of YOU to be thankful for.  I didn’t do 25 on my own.. I certainly had help and a lot of love along the way.  
I love you all and thank you for being apart of a wonderful 25 and what is sure to be a wonderful 26.
I guess I haven’t changed too much in those couple of years.  I’m still so incredibly grateful for the family I was blessed with, Carmen and Gloria.  As well as the family that came with that whole deal (marriage).  
It’s nice to look back and see the adult in me emerging and growing.  I hope that I continue to grow in a positive way and continue to appreciate those around me and the detrimental role they play in my life and that of my children.
I hope that in all of my ramblings, people take away that it is possible to grow and to love more immensely than you think possible.  Or you know, whatever else you might want to take away from all of this.