Wish it So


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Did you say it?

Did you tell him you didn’t miss him?

I.. Yes, I did.  But I meant.. I meant I didn’t miss our baggage.  Our problems.

I’m not going to go back all the way to the beginning.  To when we first re-entered each others lives.  To where we decided we were something. To when we struggled to be that something.  Because, we struggled every step of the way.

I’ll say this – we had moments where one tried and the other didn’t.  Moments where neither of us were trying.  We went to therapy and couldn’t agree whether or not we should stick that out or quit.  So we quit.  Because the will of one was always stronger than the will of the other.

I’ll also say that I loved him but it was hard.  It was hard for the both of us – the loving.

I wasn’t perfect but I understand that I was not alone in the destruction of an establishment that so many hold sacred.  I wasn’t alone in it but I felt so alone.

The first two lines you read today are pivotal to our whole ending – the breakdown.  I can’t and I won’t go back now but I will leave you until later –

 

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Children have so much compassion

Carrigan:  Mommy, I gonna bring you a purprise (surprise)

Me:  Okay!

Carrigan:  You exciting?

Me:  Yes, I’m excited!

(Brings me a photo that was taken at my wedding with my mom, step-dad and sisters)

Carrigan:  Look it you brothers

Me:  Those are my sisters (She’s still figuring that he/she her/him sister/brother thing out) and my step-dad and my mommy.

(I tear up a little)

Carrigan:  You cryin because you miss your daddy?

Me:  I miss my daddy and my mommy

Carrigan:  Is okay, you daddy be back soon.

Me:  (I hug her) You are right, I will see them again.

Carrigan:  You wan a toy to make you feel better?

Me:  No, you and your sister have already made me feel better.


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Mostly content

I realize that quite a bit of my posts are depressing.  Not everyone wants to talk through their grieving process and I get that, I really do.  However, this is and has always been a place where I can just let my feelings flow.  I’m not great at talking about them out loud and frankly, I’m not sure that I could talk through some of the emotions.  

I hope I can throw in a little bit of variation once in a while.  I don’t think it should be too hard.  I mean, this blog originally had a lot of home “stuff” thrown in.  It just didn’t feel like a one-hundred percent fit to me.

Aside from my explanation on blog content.. I’d like to take a moment and say, “I love my sisters!”  As the anniversaries draw closer, I know that they are struggling too.  In their own unique ways they are working out what that means to them and how it continues to shape them.  We’ve always handled our grief differently but we’ve always been there for each other.  This year will be no different.

I love you ladies.  Remember that you are strong, you are loved and you are never alone.  No matter how lonely it can feel.

This isn’t much of a post and it feels kind of like a cop-out to what should be an amazing NaBloPoMo post but it’s late and I can barely keep my eyes open!  I’ll try harder ————————————– no promises!


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Thankful for the thanks

I really enjoy reading everyone’s “I’m thankful posts” in November because it reminds me that I have a lot to be thankful for too.  It reminds me to try harder and not get in my own way this month.  

You see, this is a really hard month for me as both of my parents passed away in November (although years apart).  They are constantly on my mind but more so lately.  This morning it was the music that was popular in November of 2001.  Which was the year my father died.  

Two specific songs come to my mind, Shakira “Whenever Wherever” and System of A Down “Chop Suey”.  It was so strange to be looking forward to Shakira’s crossover album when it felt like I shouldn’t be looking forward to anything.

I remember jumping on my bed listening to music.  Thinking that maybe if I just jumped high enough and sang loud enough that I would jump down and my life would be my life again.  It wouldn’t be about visiting my dad in the hospital and watching him wither away every day.  It wouldn’t be about hiding in the bathroom near the oncology office just to cry.  

Without fail, every time I jumped down it was still about that “new” life.  That life that was preparing me to be father-less in the here and now.  

So yes, please keep on being thankful because it gives this lady over here a little hope that one day even if years from now, November will be a month that she can be thankful for.


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Forward reminiscing

My mother-in-law forwarded me an email that I had sent in 2010.  Approximately one hour into my birthday.

Sent: Tuesday, December 21, 2010 1:32 AM
Subject: Happy Birthday to ME (I swear it’s not a conceited email even though the title is..)
 

So, at midnight which marks the beginning of my 26th year I was feeding my child and it made me think that I have a lot to be thankful for.  So here I go…

 
I’m thankful for my parents.  Although they are not here with me physically, they are the guiding light to many of the decisions I make and an inspiration on the kind of person I want to be.  
 
I’m thankful for the two sisters they brought into this earth.  They are smart, beautiful, funny and loving.  They are a wonderful support system and we’re closer than ever.  I’m amazed by them both everyday and how much they keep growing up into these wonderful human beings and I am so jealous of them in one way or another.  
 
I’m thankful for my husband who is also wonderful, smart (ass), funny and loving.  He’s being a wonderful support to me and has handled all the obstacles life has thrown at us remarkably well.  A great father and a great friend.. I’m a lucky girl (even when I’m telling him I’m not).  
 
I’m thankful to the family I gained through marrying Adam.  They’ve taken me in as if I were really their own family.  We’ve laughed, we’ve cried and I’ve certainly pissed them all off at one point or another (multiple times for some) but they go on loving and treating me like their own.  They’ve supported me and my wonderful two sisters through some tough times and I hope they never need to do so again but am grateful I had them for those times.  
 
Lastly, I’m thankful for my beautiful little Carrigan.  At the very early stage of my 25th year I was a nervous wreck about her arrival.. who would let me be a mom?!  CRAZY.  But now that she is here.. I can’t imagine my life without her.  She is wonderful, SMART and FUNNY in her own baby ways.  She tugs at my heartstrings everyday and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
 
I always thought my 25th year would be a good one and I was right.  It started off “not so good” but it has ended up being one of the best years of my life .. next to me being 14.  For this, I have all of YOU to be thankful for.  I didn’t do 25 on my own.. I certainly had help and a lot of love along the way.  
 
I love you all and thank you for being apart of a wonderful 25 and what is sure to be a wonderful 26.
 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.”
 
I guess I haven’t changed too much in those couple of years.  I’m still so incredibly grateful for the family I was blessed with, Carmen and Gloria.  As well as the family that came with that whole deal (marriage).  
 
It’s nice to look back and see the adult in me emerging and growing.  I hope that I continue to grow in a positive way and continue to appreciate those around me and the detrimental role they play in my life and that of my children.
 
I hope that in all of my ramblings, people take away that it is possible to grow and to love more immensely than you think possible.  Or you know, whatever else you might want to take away from all of this.


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How they change you

I’m the opposite of who I thought I would be.  

When I found out I was pregnant, I was downright terrified that I would be too emotionally stunted to be a good parent.  

To be a loving  parent.

I worried incessantly about all the hugs I wouldn’t want to give or the kisses that I’d turn down – I voiced those opinions to Adam and to my therapist.  

They both told me I was thinking too much about it and that the fact that I thought it was a cause for concern was only proof to them, that I wouldn’t be the person I feared.

I guess they were right because I’m total mush when it comes to these two girls.  

I’m so lucky to have them in my life and I hope that they will always remember how much I love them.  

There’s no real lesson here… except maybe that believing in yourself goes a long way and having others believe in you when you can’t is a powerful thing.


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The long journey

This past Saturday my sister and I attended the calling hours of a childhood friend.  She referred to him as one of her “first friends”.  You know, the first kids you befriend in childhood.  That doesn’t always translate to forever friends, life can sometimes make that impossible, but it always translates to a special place in your heart and lovely memories.

I didn’t think it would be difficult to attend the calling hours.  So it took me by surprise when I started to feel the tears well up in my eyes, the all-too-familiar heartache and the feeling of helplessness.  I told his mom, “he was a great kid”, gave her a feeble smile and a look that I hope conveyed my feelings more than my words did.

Your heart will hurt in a very real way

Sometimes your despair will overwhelm you

Knees to the ground

Air knocked out of your lungs

Can’t breathe

Can’t think

Suffocating pain

Alone

Then the freedom from constant pain

Some light

Some dark

and then bam, life is happening again

I could tell you that it “lessens” with time.  But that’s not a one-hundred percent truth.  It’s a coping statement.  The real truth is that the pain will change.  You will experience it differently because it has changed you.  There will be moments so raw that you’re experiencing it all over again.  

To that childhood friend, your easygoing smile will be something I will always remember and treasure.  I hope that you find peace in your journey.