Wish it So

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Did you say it?

Did you tell him you didn’t miss him?

I.. Yes, I did.  But I meant.. I meant I didn’t miss our baggage.  Our problems.

I’m not going to go back all the way to the beginning.  To when we first re-entered each others lives.  To where we decided we were something. To when we struggled to be that something.  Because, we struggled every step of the way.

I’ll say this – we had moments where one tried and the other didn’t.  Moments where neither of us were trying.  We went to therapy and couldn’t agree whether or not we should stick that out or quit.  So we quit.  Because the will of one was always stronger than the will of the other.

I’ll also say that I loved him but it was hard.  It was hard for the both of us – the loving.

I wasn’t perfect but I understand that I was not alone in the destruction of an establishment that so many hold sacred.  I wasn’t alone in it but I felt so alone.

The first two lines you read today are pivotal to our whole ending – the breakdown.  I can’t and I won’t go back now but I will leave you until later –



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Children have so much compassion

Carrigan:  Mommy, I gonna bring you a purprise (surprise)

Me:  Okay!

Carrigan:  You exciting?

Me:  Yes, I’m excited!

(Brings me a photo that was taken at my wedding with my mom, step-dad and sisters)

Carrigan:  Look it you brothers

Me:  Those are my sisters (She’s still figuring that he/she her/him sister/brother thing out) and my step-dad and my mommy.

(I tear up a little)

Carrigan:  You cryin because you miss your daddy?

Me:  I miss my daddy and my mommy

Carrigan:  Is okay, you daddy be back soon.

Me:  (I hug her) You are right, I will see them again.

Carrigan:  You wan a toy to make you feel better?

Me:  No, you and your sister have already made me feel better.

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I walked by Carrigan’s bedroom tonight and noticed the gate wasn’t up.  I immediately thought to myself that I didn’t want her to wake up in the middle of night and come creeping to our room.  Because I was the creeper as a kid and it never ended well for anyone involved.

My dad would let me watch scary movies but warn me that I was to stay in my room if I got freaked out.  Yeah right, dad.  

I would wake up and be completely terrified.  I would weigh my options.   Would it be worth possibly having the monster under my bed grab my legs when I tried to get down or to have the shadow that lurked on the stairs pull me into the dark JUST to cuddle with my parents?  

It was never worth it.

I would tip-toe to my mother’s side of the bed and say, “Mommy I want to get in bed with you” and she wouldn’t hear me.  I would whisper a little bit louder.  Still nothing.  Now I’m yelling “MOM!”. Nada.  Then I would jab her.  And every time, EVERY SINGLE TIME, she would let out a blood curdling scream and then my dad would freak out and lecture me on watching scary movies.  

So yeah, time to put the baby gate up for the night.  For everyones sake.


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In response to


I recently read a blog post that got under my skin a little.  I could relate to some of the items the blogger mentioned and I could even see where she was going with the points I didn’t agree with.  What made it get to me was the way in which she communicated that to the world.  Her examples were a bit off-putting.  

I’m sure a lot of you know which post I’m talking about and some of you even agree with the statements in it.  And that is perfectly OKAY.  

I agree that we can’t do everything for our children.  They have to be able to solve their own problems. However, I’ll add “to a degree”.  I’m sorry, but if my child has tried on their own and all it takes is my guiding hands or heart to get it – then I will help them.  There are many things that they will ABSOLUTELY need to do for themselves and instances where they will ABSOLUTELY need to advocate for themselves.  

That won’t be ALL of their instances though.  

I didn’t become a parent to essentially “birth” them into this world and say “Well, kid you’re on your own – you see, nobody will give two figs about you in life so you might as well learn that now!”  I became a parent to teach them about the world and their place in it. They came into this world to become one of many loved people.  Some day THEY WILL be the center of someone elses world – their partner, their kids, their pets, their closest friend and of ours.

I will agree with her points on letting kids be kids (or in her case, boys be boys).  Sometimes that means pretend guns and chasing the bad guy.  In the process, teach them when it stops being okay or rather, what makes it NOT okay in other circumstances.  Don’t cut them off at the knees when they are just hitting those natural “pretend play” milestones.  

As far as the bullying, the items she described as “teenage girl” stuff – NOT OKAY.  To say that it’s a normal part of school is nuts.  If my daughter was being treated that way or was the one treating someone that way then I would take the necessary measures and I would hope that a lot of parents out there would do the same.  

I was a quiet girl (still am for the most part) and I was that way all through High School.  I wore the wrong glasses and was usually a few seasons behind the clothing trends (still am!).  My parents couldn’t afford otherwise.  I wasn’t made fun of (to my knowledge) but I wasn’t a cool kid either.  To me, teenage girl stuff is leaving someone alone because they don’t necessarily fit in with you.  Not bullying them because they don’t.  Maybe this bloggers experience was different than mine.  Maybe that colors her opinion and I get that.

I don’t have a really cool ending to this rant but I do have this:  My girls ARE the center of my world. Somehow, I’m still Iomay.  I’m still able to see where mommy meets wife meets self.


Thankful for the thanks

I really enjoy reading everyone’s “I’m thankful posts” in November because it reminds me that I have a lot to be thankful for too.  It reminds me to try harder and not get in my own way this month.  

You see, this is a really hard month for me as both of my parents passed away in November (although years apart).  They are constantly on my mind but more so lately.  This morning it was the music that was popular in November of 2001.  Which was the year my father died.  

Two specific songs come to my mind, Shakira “Whenever Wherever” and System of A Down “Chop Suey”.  It was so strange to be looking forward to Shakira’s crossover album when it felt like I shouldn’t be looking forward to anything.

I remember jumping on my bed listening to music.  Thinking that maybe if I just jumped high enough and sang loud enough that I would jump down and my life would be my life again.  It wouldn’t be about visiting my dad in the hospital and watching him wither away every day.  It wouldn’t be about hiding in the bathroom near the oncology office just to cry.  

Without fail, every time I jumped down it was still about that “new” life.  That life that was preparing me to be father-less in the here and now.  

So yes, please keep on being thankful because it gives this lady over here a little hope that one day even if years from now, November will be a month that she can be thankful for.

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How they change you

I’m the opposite of who I thought I would be.  

When I found out I was pregnant, I was downright terrified that I would be too emotionally stunted to be a good parent.  

To be a loving  parent.

I worried incessantly about all the hugs I wouldn’t want to give or the kisses that I’d turn down – I voiced those opinions to Adam and to my therapist.  

They both told me I was thinking too much about it and that the fact that I thought it was a cause for concern was only proof to them, that I wouldn’t be the person I feared.

I guess they were right because I’m total mush when it comes to these two girls.  

I’m so lucky to have them in my life and I hope that they will always remember how much I love them.  

There’s no real lesson here… except maybe that believing in yourself goes a long way and having others believe in you when you can’t is a powerful thing.

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The long journey

This past Saturday my sister and I attended the calling hours of a childhood friend.  She referred to him as one of her “first friends”.  You know, the first kids you befriend in childhood.  That doesn’t always translate to forever friends, life can sometimes make that impossible, but it always translates to a special place in your heart and lovely memories.

I didn’t think it would be difficult to attend the calling hours.  So it took me by surprise when I started to feel the tears well up in my eyes, the all-too-familiar heartache and the feeling of helplessness.  I told his mom, “he was a great kid”, gave her a feeble smile and a look that I hope conveyed my feelings more than my words did.

Your heart will hurt in a very real way

Sometimes your despair will overwhelm you

Knees to the ground

Air knocked out of your lungs

Can’t breathe

Can’t think

Suffocating pain


Then the freedom from constant pain

Some light

Some dark

and then bam, life is happening again

I could tell you that it “lessens” with time.  But that’s not a one-hundred percent truth.  It’s a coping statement.  The real truth is that the pain will change.  You will experience it differently because it has changed you.  There will be moments so raw that you’re experiencing it all over again.  

To that childhood friend, your easygoing smile will be something I will always remember and treasure.  I hope that you find peace in your journey.