Wish it So

Leave a comment

Where it stops nobody knows

I am finding it very difficult to wake up every day with the realization that my life has taken a complicated turn. Avoidable, complicated and not in my control – to an extent.

I can choose to wake up and decide, this is where I draw the line. I am human, I have feelings and I’m hurt deeply. I can choose me, I’m an adult with free will.

Instead, I choose the complicated road.  Daily. I choose the road that means I’m sacrificing a little of my dignity, my soul and my capacity to trust EVERY day.

I do this because I believe…I want to believe..in the capacity for this to improve.  Because the other road comes at a great cost too.  One that I’m not comfortable with in this very moment.

It is frustrating that because of my stubborn decision to continue on this road, that I feel limited and isolated in what I can complain about.

But this is my blog…so here goes.

– It’s not okay to be dishonest.  As a general rule but particularly those you love and that love you in return.

– It’s not okay to only think about yourself.  Every one should be a little selfish in ensuring self care. It’s not okay for that to be your entire existence.

– It’s not okay to NOT acknowledge how your actions make others feel.

– It’s unfair to not seek help for emotional struggles that are beyond the control/scope of others.  It’s not okay that people have to take the brunt of these things when you have the option to seek guidance in a professional atmosphere.

Simply…it continues to not be ok to be unappreciative of the people who love you and fight for you daily.  You need to fight for YOURSELF but also cultivate the things and people who champion consistently through it all.

And I need to remind myself, that I am enough. That another person does not control the overall outcome of my happiness and self worth.

So tomorrow I will wake up, going down the same road all the while trying to make the road more enjoyable to go down.

Good luck to me!


Leave a comment

A great discontentment

Lately I have been a person that I dislike greatly.

A person who has hurt and has been hurt.

A person who feels she needs validation outside of herself to feel deserving of love and comfort.

A weak person who allows the actions of another to color her opinion on self worth.

I have been a pathetic, sloppy mess begging for forgiveness when in reality the person I have hurt the most, is myself.

I have spent six years as a shell of my former self.  Worried by the second, by the hour, by the day, by the week, by the month, by the year that I was going to lose those I loved.  Those that I had invested in and those who had invested in me.

I allowed myself to put up walls to keep people out and protect what was left of my heart.

I turned into myself at a time where I was the most vulnerable and now I am paying the price.

I am fighting for something that I hold so dear to my heart at a time when I am just beginning to understand who I’ve been and what I need to do to move forward.

I feel it all slipping away, in a way that cuts me so deep and is so difficult to explain.

I feel confused, alone, ashamed, pathetic and undeserving.

Why is it that I have suffered great losses in my life and continue to do so?

When is the time going to come when I am allowed pure unadulterated happiness without it being wrenched from my hands?

Why do I feel like I am in total control and yet, not in control at all?

1 Comment



It’s so strange to feel anxious about something I’ve loved so dearly.

This place was so instrumental in getting me through some tough moments.

But when I start a post now, I can only think about how there may be people reading who may not like the content.

And it’s weird that I care. Because by nature, I’m not really a people pleaser and I try to march to the beat of my own drum.

I guess what I’m saying is, who else has experienced this and how does Stella iomay get her groove back?

You know, without the weird teenage-like feelings.

Leave a comment

The “what if” spiral

I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if my parent’s deaths had happened differently or not at all.

Would I have mommy issues if I hadn’t gotten to know my mother more as an adult?

Would my dad have been able to raise three girls after losing his best friend?

Would I have been the mom I am today without the nearly 25 years of mothering from my sweet momma?

Would my dad have pushed me to go to college?

If they both were alive, what kind of person would I actually be today? Would I be less sympathetic to the loss of others? Would I have pursued more passions or chased more dreams? Would I be a better person?

I know it’s crazy. I do. But sometimes when I’m feeling incredibly alone, I spiral into a series of “what ifs”.

But the things that bring me back. That ground me. My girls. My husband. My friends. My coworkers.

A list of things and people, are what I know. And what I know, who I know.. Those are concrete things that I can hold on to when I’m spiraling beyond control.

Leave a comment

Pink stuff

Today at the store, Carrigan and I walked by nesquick strawberry milk. I ended up walking back and purchasing some to share with CG.

You see, it was calling to me. Calling to my nostalgic side!

I got in the car and immediately guzzled half of it. It reminded me of all the times my mom packed hot strawberry milk in my thermos. By lunchtime it was lukewarm.

Honestly, it’s still my favorite way to drink it (warm). Not so much for the taste but for the sweet memory of my mom packing my lunch and sending me off to school in the mornings.

I miss my parents and I wish they were here to tell me what their most cherished memories of childhood were. But I’m grateful for the bits I’ve got to hold on to.

….until the next little trigger.

Leave a comment

Feeling it

One of the more challenging things I’ve faced as a parent is accepting that my child will have feelings or emotions that I don’t understand. Specifically because she wasn’t affording me the chance to understand them.

In recent years, I’ve been of the mindset that children should not be asked to stop crying or being upset. This is aimed at real viable emotions and not, manipulative ones.

By manipulative, I mean the “I’m crying because I want something irrational and you’re not giving in”.

By viable, I mean the “I’m crying because something I saw or experienced is upsetting me”.

When I know C is genuinely upset or when I’m in an iffy stage where I can’t gauge it, I tell her that it’s perfectly acceptable to cry. I ask her to let me know when she’s ready to talk about it.

It’s really important to me that she be allowed the same freedom I’m afforded in respect to emotions. It’s also important to me that those feelings be validated appropriately.

This weekend my mother-in-law was joking about gobbling up B’s cheeks. C became visibly upset and said, “I don’t want you to eat her. That my baby sister!”

She then followed it up with, “Nana, that hurt my feelings”.

Her statement startled us both. It was one if few times where she’s really advocated for herself in that way.

It gave us an opportunity to acknowledge that to her, the situation was not ok. It also gave us an opportunity to explain that nana was teasing. She was trying to be funny.

As important as it is to validate the feeling. It’s important to explain the situation and how it appeared to us. That way, in the future, she has the opportunity to assess the situation and say “hey, it’s just a joke”.

Yesterday she made a similar statement regarding my tone (she wanted to look in the fridge). It gave me the chance to acknowledge that the tone I used wasn’t okay. It wasn’t yelling but it was clipped like I was upset.

In reality, I was unnecessarily annoyed by the request. Nothing had changed in the fridge contents since she’d looked an hour prior to that.

So you see, it’s a learning opportunity in so many ways. One that I’m pretty grateful for.

Leave a comment

Bachelor Girl

I recently got a kindle and discovered that I could borrow books from my local library.  As well as I can borrow from the amazon lending library.  I will say that I’m not completely sold on e-books and prefer an actual book in my hands.

I love the smell of books, the weight of it and the memories they seem to bring back.  Not that the kindle hasn’t.

Truth be told, this post is inspired by a memory.  A memory of me making my first online purchase, on amazon no less.  I used my dad’s debit card.  It arrived to the UPS location that is nearby and they couldn’t deliver it to our house because a shipping error had occurred – they didn’t have our house number!  What?!

I was at a friend’s house for a sleepover and I begged my father to go to the UPS location and pick it up.  He obliged because I’m pretty sure he thought I would have an anxiety attack otherwise.

My first online purchase was Bachelor Girl by Roger Lea MacBride.  It’s the “Rose” years series – an extension of the Ingalls books. I was obsessed with those books and the lifestyle.  For a long time I would dream up a future where my family and I would “settle” far out in the woods and live off the land.  To this day, there are aspects of that life that call to me.

I’m sure it is hard for people to imagine me doing so, given that I am so “addicted” to the technology around me.  But I love the idea behind it.  Unless I learn how to keep a garden alive, it will just be an idea.

Anyway, what are you all reading?  Any recommendations?

[Edit:  The kindle is an early Christmas gift from Adam.  A co-worker of mine found a deal on it that was almost too good to pass up.  I nearly did pass it up but Adam stated that if I did not buy it at the “deal price” then he would buy it at full price and I would be even more upset about that!]

[Extra Edit:  I’m still hoping he makes me something like he did last year.  That was my favorite gift out of all the gifts he has ever gotten me :)]