Wish it So


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It’s all worse

I cried and begged for my marriage .  I cataloged a list of things I had done wrong during our years together and promised to rectify those things.  It occurred to me throughout this process, that I had been constantly working on things another person didn’t like about me for quite some time.  This wasn’t new but this time it felt very much like life and death.

Despite agreeing to try, my husband would come home and barely say two words to me, he wouldn’t touch me and didn’t give me the time of day.  This made me shaky; I was always nervous and extremely apologetic for things I wasn’t even sure I was doing wrong.  But everything felt wrong and everything was seemingly my fault so shouldn’t I have apologized?

We were probably a week into this sham of “trying” when I saw messages go back and forth between my husband and a woman who used to be his colleague. She now works as a bookkeeping consultant for his company and for a local precinct.  A woman whom I had asked to be removed from our lives consistently for the 3 years leading up to this.

Like the many times before it, I saw a married woman who was subtly crossing the line and a man who was accepting it.  This time, I saw my husband tell me he was too busy to talk but continued a very lengthy conversation with the other woman.  I had to accept that I didn’t feel good about how I obtained the information and I didn’t feel good with the information in front of me.

And thus began my first real emotional breakdown.  I will forever be thankful to my best friend. Who brought me to get emergency counseling which in turn led me to getting weekly counseling.

It was just the beginning of an unreal three months.

“What’s worse, lookin’ jealous or crazy?
Jealous and crazy?
Or like being walked all over lately, walked all over lately
I’d rather be crazy” – Beyonce

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You know which little store you are.

I’m in the mood for typing talking and being read heard.

You see, when I was driving to the College Library yesterday I passed by this little corner store that has always felt like it was standing in the middle of nowhere.

I won’t name names because I know you want to stalk me.

Don’t even pretend that you don’t!

Well, every time I pass by this store I think about an incident that occured there a little over a year before my mom passed away.

It was after she’d had her breast removed and after they found out that they weren’t going to be able to pursue the procedure since my mom was sick.

Sick with a cold and sick with cancer, again and still.

So, she was living life with one breast and pretending to be OKAY with it.

She did that a lot.

Pretended to be OKAY.

I think she taught me that.

I’m probably not as good at it since I cry for no apparent reason and a lot.

Well, this one particular day she caught a woman looking at her, not with empathy but with disgust.

You read that right, disgust.

I cannot believe it either.

I remember her telling me and me threatening to go over there and kicking ignorant ass.

But she said no, it’s okay, I handled it.

My mom’s way of handling it was saying “What are you looking at?” in her cute spanish accent but as tough as that woman could muster.

And man, when my mom mustered tough you had better be watching your behind!

Every time I drive by that little place ..I think of that woman.. and that day and how my mom didn’t deserve to feel anything but beautiful, wonderful, smart, funny and perfect.. a perfect mom.

The perfect mom for me.

So, I guess remember this story and tell it to your friends and maybe this will reach the ears or eyes of that person or a person just like them and they’ll realize that those judgements should be set aside.

Those looks or sideways glances they aren’t deserved.

At any given moment someone is going through something that you possibly cannot imagine…Remember that.


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First off, I’d like to apologize for not having better/more pictures for this.  If we’re being honest, which I imagine we are, I had not intended to blog about this.  At.  All.  I’ve been so “busy” with homework, playing with my EIGHTEEN MONTH OLD (What?!) and “working” (can you call 8-20 hrs a week work?) that I haven’t been thinking of this little blog of mine.

But today Carrigan went down for a nap (late) and I am here posting this random blog about this little food item I made on Tuesday.  Here’s the thing, I’m not good at recipes (as in, jotting them down or following them) so this is going to be a lot of recalling.

Honestly, I was stuck for what to cook while I was grocery shopping Tuesday afternoon and walked by boneless pork cut (center loin??) and I was hungry (as usual) so I said, alright well that looks yummy even in its raw-ness so this is happening.  Imagine me saying “I’m going to eat you!” to the pork.  I won’t say whether or not this actually happened.

Then came the hard part.. what to make that isn’t completely boring.  Well, I’ve already got small onions (they are the most adorable onions..), I have garlic (not as adorable) and well, I was going to buy pasta sauce anyway and while I’m at it.. why not some brown sugar?  Oh this sounds delicious said my tummy to my brain.

I wasn’t entirely sure how this was going to work until I got home and started “doing it”.  Are you rapping inside of your head, too?

Pork yummy-ness

  • Granulated Light Brown Sugar:  Coat a thin layer on both sides of pork with the light brown sugar
  • 6 small itty-bitty-cutie-patootie onions:  Cut three of them up and spread them over the pork and cut the other 3 in half and tuck them into the corners where the pork is touching (stop giggling)
  • 3 cloves of garlic:  Press them or “whatever” it’s called and spread them over the pork.  Please edit this as you please as I understand not everyone loves garlic like I do.  (I’d probably do less next time)
  • 1 jar of 26 oz.  Nature’s Promise Organic Traditional Pasta Sauce:  Spread half over the pork and the rest will kind of spread out on its own (do not use the whole jar.. it will get VERY saucy up in there and not the good kind!)
  •      I used the other half of the pasta sauce today in my pork roast – can’t wait to try it out!
  •      Personally I would stick to any kind of traditional pasta sauce so as not to compete with the other flavors but to each their   own, right?!
  • Once you’ve done all of that, I would put it in the oven at 425 and leave it in for 40 minutes (at least that is what I did but I know nothing about actual temps and what things cook at).

Because I had to wait 40 minutes and Carrigan really wanted to go outside and play you will be stuck with these two photos as well:

Alright, enough with those shenanigans!  Get to work!  Once the 40 minutes were up (I loosely timed this by the way), I grabbed the parmesan out of the fridge and spread it on top of the sauce which was covering the pork (in case you forgot what was in there)… I put it back in for about 10 minutes?  Again, recalling of loose timing.

Also, I should probably note that I covered the dish with tinfoil so it wouldn’t dry out and also so that the pasta wouldn’t splatter all over the oven.  This also kept the cheese from just burning in the end.

I’m hoping to be back this summer with more regular posts!  But it all depends on whether or not I take summer classes.

I miss you blog and imaginary blog friends!

Hasta Luego 🙂


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Boundaries – just for the average bear?

When I’m at home, alone with Carrigan, I pee with the door open.

Why?  

Because otherwise she stands next to the door and it causes oopsies.

Still why?

Because I like to make sure I can hear her too

You never know when a number two will sneak up on you

Then you’re left counting down the seconds

 Wondering what kind of crazy your 16-month old is getting into

TMI?  You betcha.

Well, today’s bathroom visit consisted of Carrigan following me to the bathroom

Where this one-sided conversation occurred

Carrigan enters bathroom and smiles at the sound of pee hitting the toilet water

“Carrigan, mommy is peeing in the toilet”

Nods her head yes as if she understands the statement

(Hey, maybe she does?!)

“Carrigan, you also pee but you pee in your diaper”

Note to self: maybe that’s too full of a sentence for her?

“You pee in diaper”

“Mommy doesn’t get to wear a diaper to pee in – she’s too big!”

“Someday you won’t pee in a diaper either – you’ll pee in a toilet almost like this one!”

Conversation over

I’m now left to wash my hands quick enough to stop her from taking all of the detergents and throwing them on the ground

(downstairs bathroom is also the laundry room)

*Don’t pretend you didn’t miss my über weird rants – besides, maybe Carrigan will be like totally into potty training and then, who’s the weirdo?  Yeah, still me.  But weirdo with a potty-trained 16-month old two year old*


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Countertops, sinks and faucets or “The things I rather research in place of taking my final take home exam..”

True story.

I’m currently multi-tasking/procrastinating doing something that is due by Midnight tonight.

OY.

VEY.

In other news, Adam and I decided last year that we wouldn’t purchase christmas gifts for each other since we really wanted to do some upgrades to our current kitchen.

Our sink is ridiculous.

It’s a double sink and the sink, for whatever reason, tilts toward the drains.

Everything you put it in slides and clanks resulting in some cracked glasses.

That’s right.

No bueno!

Our faucet is just outdated, kind of gross and leaks

Our COUNTERTOP.. well, they get noticeably banged up even with the slightest tap

They stain easily (regardless of how quickly you clean up)

and we really dislike them.

It’s also warped around the sink area.

I started the “christmas kitchen” process by ordering a new sink and faucet.

We really wanted a Delta touch 20 and I found one for 300 (marked down from 600..) but….

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again..

I’m kind of cheap.

So, I found a nice Kohler that I had a 10 percent off coupon for.. and badibingbadaboom FAUCET ORDERED

Kohler Simplice in stainless steel

The sink is still a double buuuuuuuuuut

One side is much larger than the other so it will still be nice and roomy while still having an area to rinse off smaller glassware

Kraus undermount

I wanted a single but Adam did not.. so I compromised.

That was nice of me.. don’t you think?! 🙂

Now we’re in the great “countertop debate of 2011”.

20111220-110639.jpg

I’m for the first one which is a granite called crema caramel or quartz in niebla which is a light grey color.

Adams for the quartz in black or quartz in dark grey.

Of course we couldn’t be more different in what we should get … But a decision will be made before 1/1 as we get 10% off if we order and pay by then.

We don’t really plan on getting then installed before march though so there will be loads of waiting!

As for our cabinets .. Our carpenter gave us some inexpensive solutions instead of replacement. So, yay!

That’s what has been on our minds for a little while.. someday I’ll get back to regular posting.

Someday…

Not tomorrow though because it’s my biiiiirthday! 🙂  So I’ll be off celebrating that!

Happy Holidays everyone!!!


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Gloria E. Otero

Gloria E. Otero

1/22/60 to 11/21/09

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep;
Guide us through the starry night,
and wake us with the morning’s light.
I ask not for myself alone,
but for thy children—every one..

It’s been 2 years since my mother passed away.

My heart literally hurts when I think of the pain she endured during her last year with us

But if you knew my mom, you’d know that she spent that last year giving it her all

Embracing it like she was going to see many more

In her very last moment

With her very last breath

She departed

With a smile

.

Think of her not with sadness in your heart

But with a joy for ever having known such a woman.

.

I love you Mami


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Jorge Caban Leon

Jorge Caban Leon

9/11/61 to 11/15/01

For the man who kicked me out of his room, while on his death-bed, for not smiling

I don’t cry every day like I told you I would

I cry enough to embarrass you

thoroughly.

It’s been 10 years since my father passed away.

Sometimes I’m completely overwhelmed with joy for ever having him in my life.

Sometimes I’m completely grief-stricken and a wreck.

Today I’m a combination of the two

Just overcome with feelings.

I love you.