Wish it So

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It’s all worse

I cried and begged for my marriage .  I cataloged a list of things I had done wrong during our years together and promised to rectify those things.  It occurred to me throughout this process, that I had been constantly working on things another person didn’t like about me for quite some time.  This wasn’t new but this time it felt very much like life and death.

Despite agreeing to try, my husband would come home and barely say two words to me, he wouldn’t touch me and didn’t give me the time of day.  This made me shaky; I was always nervous and extremely apologetic for things I wasn’t even sure I was doing wrong.  But everything felt wrong and everything was seemingly my fault so shouldn’t I have apologized?

We were probably a week into this sham of “trying” when I saw messages go back and forth between my husband and a woman who used to be his colleague. She now works as a bookkeeping consultant for his company and for a local precinct.  A woman whom I had asked to be removed from our lives consistently for the 3 years leading up to this.

Like the many times before it, I saw a married woman who was subtly crossing the line and a man who was accepting it.  This time, I saw my husband tell me he was too busy to talk but continued a very lengthy conversation with the other woman.  I had to accept that I didn’t feel good about how I obtained the information and I didn’t feel good with the information in front of me.

And thus began my first real emotional breakdown.  I will forever be thankful to my best friend. Who brought me to get emergency counseling which in turn led me to getting weekly counseling.

It was just the beginning of an unreal three months.

“What’s worse, lookin’ jealous or crazy?
Jealous and crazy?
Or like being walked all over lately, walked all over lately
I’d rather be crazy” – Beyonce


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Did you say it?

Did you tell him you didn’t miss him?

I.. Yes, I did.  But I meant.. I meant I didn’t miss our baggage.  Our problems.

I’m not going to go back all the way to the beginning.  To when we first re-entered each others lives.  To where we decided we were something. To when we struggled to be that something.  Because, we struggled every step of the way.

I’ll say this – we had moments where one tried and the other didn’t.  Moments where neither of us were trying.  We went to therapy and couldn’t agree whether or not we should stick that out or quit.  So we quit.  Because the will of one was always stronger than the will of the other.

I’ll also say that I loved him but it was hard.  It was hard for the both of us – the loving.

I wasn’t perfect but I understand that I was not alone in the destruction of an establishment that so many hold sacred.  I wasn’t alone in it but I felt so alone.

The first two lines you read today are pivotal to our whole ending – the breakdown.  I can’t and I won’t go back now but I will leave you until later –