On April 8th, I went to intake and had to admit to a complete stranger that I was hurting because my husband no longer wanted me. That I felt ridiculed by his actions. That I would be nothing without my babies. That all of this coupled with confusion – why did he so staunchly want our marriage prior to my being away for 3 days and so obviously wanted nothing to do with me now?
On April 8th I continued to give up another piece of myself when I decided to continue to try to repair our marriage.
“I have my first appointment (with a therapist) next Tuesday. I talked to him*, I came clean on the snooping I’ve been doing, we talked about how I’ve been feeling, what made move towards separation (because we never touched on that), how I feel about her* AGAIN and how I view it. We are going to re-evaluate for now and see how things go. It may not work. But I don’t want to be without the girls and I will do whatever it takes to not lose that.” – Archived messages to a close friend.
Exactly 11 days later, with my husband’s approval, I emailed her.
An email address I had memorized as we had been friends for years. Our friendship ended after the office flirtations started becoming text messages after I had gone to bed with our toddler and nursing newborn. After the flirtation became, “My boss said I could leave early but I don’t have to pick-up my kids from daycare for a few hours. Want to meet for drinks?” It ended the day my calls were going straight to VM. The day that I texted her, “What time do you get out of work?” and minutes later, my husband was suddenly available for phone calls. It ended the moment he came home smelling of beer but denying he had met her for drinks as she suggested.
Did I feel stupid for trying to repair this despite knowing what happened years before? Did I feel stupid for sending her an email of essential forgiveness and acceptance? Did I feel stupid in trying to be okay with their “friendship” in order to keep our marriage? Yes. One hundred times yes.
*Names not included to preserve some anonymity