Wish it So

A great discontentment

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Lately I have been a person that I dislike greatly.

A person who has hurt and has been hurt.

A person who feels she needs validation outside of herself to feel deserving of love and comfort.

A weak person who allows the actions of another to color her opinion on self worth.

I have been a pathetic, sloppy mess begging for forgiveness when in reality the person I have hurt the most, is myself.

I have spent six years as a shell of my former self.  Worried by the second, by the hour, by the day, by the week, by the month, by the year that I was going to lose those I loved.  Those that I had invested in and those who had invested in me.

I allowed myself to put up walls to keep people out and protect what was left of my heart.

I turned into myself at a time where I was the most vulnerable and now I am paying the price.

I am fighting for something that I hold so dear to my heart at a time when I am just beginning to understand who I’ve been and what I need to do to move forward.

I feel it all slipping away, in a way that cuts me so deep and is so difficult to explain.

I feel confused, alone, ashamed, pathetic and undeserving.

Why is it that I have suffered great losses in my life and continue to do so?

When is the time going to come when I am allowed pure unadulterated happiness without it being wrenched from my hands?

Why do I feel like I am in total control and yet, not in control at all?

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