Wish it So

The “what if” spiral

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I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if my parent’s deaths had happened differently or not at all.

Would I have mommy issues if I hadn’t gotten to know my mother more as an adult?

Would my dad have been able to raise three girls after losing his best friend?

Would I have been the mom I am today without the nearly 25 years of mothering from my sweet momma?

Would my dad have pushed me to go to college?

If they both were alive, what kind of person would I actually be today? Would I be less sympathetic to the loss of others? Would I have pursued more passions or chased more dreams? Would I be a better person?

I know it’s crazy. I do. But sometimes when I’m feeling incredibly alone, I spiral into a series of “what ifs”.

But the things that bring me back. That ground me. My girls. My husband. My friends. My coworkers.

A list of things and people, are what I know. And what I know, who I know.. Those are concrete things that I can hold on to when I’m spiraling beyond control.

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