More and more lately, I get the feeling that people know very little about me. Not so much once they’ve taken the time to know me or rather, I’ve let my guard down long enough to be known.
I know that I come off as someone who doesn’t care, who thinks they know better, who thinks they are better – the list goes on. Interestingly enough, I care a lot. Perhaps one of my biggest flaws is that I care SO much what someone might think that it paralyzes me.
Will they think I’m dumb? Too good for everyone? Not dressed well enough? Not funny enough? Not serious enough? Not well read? again, the list goes on!
Social situations are really difficult for me. I spend nearly 24 hours prior to all events trying to talk myself out of attending. I make myself really sick and usually (not always) back out. Why? Because the idea of living in my little bubble seems way safer than going out and possibly making a fool out of myself.
At these types of outings I’m either totally stuck for what to say next or can’t stop talking because I’m afraid if I stop the other person will have time to judge me. When truth be told, they were probably judging me all along. Because ladies and gents, that’s how this brain rolls.
It’s surprising to me that I sometimes pass as a functional human being. I’m basically afraid of my own shadow and I’m not sure how much stands between me and legitimate agoraphobia.
I’m grateful for my girls because I’m forced to be in situations that I wouldn’t otherwise allow myself to be apart of. They’ve helped me learn so much about myself and allowed me to grow as they do. I’m also grateful for my longtime pals who push me out of my comfort zone. Maybe one day I’ll actually go somewhere and not feel completely out of my element!
My goal for 2014 should be to get out of my own head more. And maybe to cry less.
I’ll try to remember that on New Years Eve when I’m crying because another year has gone by!